Columns from 2004

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Not Eudora  
By Harry Welty

About this column title. I’m not related to Eudora Welty, the short story writer, and she didn’t care a whit about politics so this is definitely not Eudora. 

Mary Published Jan 8, 2004   "Fifty years ago Mary Cameron was kidnapped from her Mother and her Mississippi home by her Father and brought to Duluth , Minnesota ."

Kerry me back to old Vietnamy  Published Jan 22 2004   "The last time a Massachusetts Senator with a good head of hair and medals on his chest, for commanding a small boat in enemy waters, ran for President he won."


Where have all the Fetuses Gone   Published Feb 5, 2004  "Where have all the fetuses gone? Twenty years ago they populated billboards on every major highway but it’s been years since I saw my last fetus on a billboard."


About a Corn Cob  Published Feb 19, 2004   "I just read Newsweek’s evenhanded account of the war years of George Bush and John Kerry. Although these gentlemen are five and seven years older than me, respectively, we were all caught up in Vietnam , our nation’s longest running war."

A Kind Word for the Trib  Published Mar 3, 2004  "While helping out at a local church I overheard a minister and a member of his congregation tsk tsking the Duluth News Tribune. The paper’s misdemeanor was in manufacturing a news story. . ."

No Bull  Published Mar 19, 2004  "Ed and Brittany (not their real names) felt it was time for their boy to find out about the birds and the bees. I’m only writing this out of desperation. I started half-a-dozen columns this week but I couldn’t bring myself to finish a single one of them. Pontification is so lame compared to any story about sex."


The Loop Published March 26  No, this is not a column. My editor asked if I was really a Republican when I submitted this editorial cartoon. I told him I was a "Republican on the edge."


Uncle Frank's Smudge Pots   Published April 1, 2004   "I'm not in the mood. I know its April First but I'm just not in the mood. Yesterday I visited Dealey Plaza in Dallas. . ."


Meeting the Press  Published April 16, 2004   "As President Bush began his press conference last night my wife and I were leaving Duluth ’s Red Lobster. The driver of a Bush/Cheney bumper stickered van was sitting in his vehicle listening in on his car radio. Next to his Bush bumper sticker was another sticker which read, “Islam is a religion of peace my ass! . . ."


One last Randolph Column  Published April 30, 2004    "A while back the News Tribune ran a story about Mike Randolph. An accompanying picture showed him standing on the ice looking disheveled and forlorn. . ."


Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff  A tribute to Dorothy Neumann Published May 14, 2004  "Dorothy Neumann, late of the Duluth School Board, died unexpectedly on Monday."

Gunning for Fay  Published May 27, 2004  "No one likes a goody-two-shoes. No one likes a whistle blower. No one likes Joanne Fay. At least Joanne's colleagues on the St. Louis County Board don't seem to like Joanne. Suddenly everyone is gunning for Commissioner Fay. . ."

Escaping the News  Published June 11, 2004  "I figured that if President Bush could skip reading newspapers through his entire presidency I could do the same for two weeks while I cruise the Mediterranean."

Arkansaw  Published June 25, 2004   "Kansas does not rhyme with Arkansas ."


Click your Ruby Slippers  Published July 9, 2004   "There it was on the second page of the Tribune. It was an insignificant, six-column inch story announcing the start of the most dangerous two-week period I face every year. . ."


Limbaugh's Bastard Child  Published July 23, 2004  "It's a boy! Rush Limbaugh has a son!"

Out but not In - Yet  Published Aug 6, 2004  "This presidential election is so close that after it is over every special interest group in America will claim that it was the one group that made the difference. Such will be the case with folks either advocating or opposing the Families First Amendment."

Bonnie and Charlie     "The captain pointed out Bonnie's circular outer arms as we few over her to our destination in West Palm Beach a little north of Miami, Florida. Our flight to visit my Father-in-law, to straighten out some family business, was taking us into the state during Florida's first recorded assault by two simultaneous hurricanes. . ."

After Day One  Published Sept 2, 2004  After day one of the Republican National Convention my gut tells me that George W. Bush is sixty days away from reelection.

Painting over our Differences  Published Sept 17, 2004   “'Did you hear what happened at Public School Stadium last night?'”

Good Karma  Published Sept. 30, 2004  "Ten years ago I wrote a “children’s story” and asked my Mother to illustrate it. . ."

Princess Potty Mouth  Published Oct 14, 2004   "She looks innocent now sleeping in the morning sun but inside her dirty little mouth are bacteria potent enough to guarantee a thirty percent chance of infection. According to the Doctor who just released Claudia from a four-day stay in the hospital, only vice presidential candidates have a more infectious bite than a cat. . ."


Divided by God Published Oct 28, 2004   "If the attacks of 9/11 weren’t enough to focus my mind on the leadership of George W Bush, the possibility of losing two young friends in Iraq certainly has been. . ."

Death Greatly ExaggeratedPublished Nov 11, 2004   "Despite the funeral dirge playing for the Democrats after last week’s election there is still a lot of life left in the old Party. . . "

Shall We Dance?  Published Nov 24, 2004   "One day my Father was a perfectly reasonable man who wrinkled his nose at movie star cowboys who got moony eyed over girls and sang them love songs. The next day he was telling me how delightful it is to dance with girls."

Snowman Seeks Companions  Published Dec 9, 2004   "Seventeen years ago when my daughter Keely was in first grade she asked me to build a snow dinosaur. . ."


Déjà vu Two  Published Dec 23, 2004   "When I stepped down from the Duluth School Board we were wrestling with school closings and East High School hockey. Now, a year later, déjà vu has reared its ugly head again. . ."




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