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Not Eudora   By Harry Welty
Published April 1st, 2006 (or thereabouts)

My Tighty Whities

Dueling fawtas were recently issued against members of an English singing group the “Little Boogers” by rival mosques in Bristol , England . One fatwa called for the stoning of the singers for popularizing the lyrics to an underwear commercial. Spokesmen for the Boogers who are under police protection and in hiding say it’s all based on a misunderstanding.

The “Little Boogers” got their name from a rhinoceros at the Baltimore Zoo which in turn was named after an American baseball player. Baltimore , Maryland is the home of the American League baseball team, the Baltimore Orioles. From 1960 through his retirement in 1977, John Wesley “Boog” Powell was the team’s first baseman and a frequent team MVP. Powell was both a power hitter and a crowd favorite.

The year Powel retired, the Baltimore Zoo was blessed with the birth of an endangered white rhinoceros on August 17^th which also happens to be Boog Powel’s birthday. “Daisy” the mother, at 32, had been thought to be past her breeding life but the ardent attention of the Zoo’s newly acquired seven-year-old Rhino, “Stubby,” surprised and delighted the zoo’s keepers. The resulting baby was named for Mr. Powel. “Baby Boog” the rhinoceros, was introduced to cheering fans at the old Memorial Stadium on the last day of his namesake’s career. The appearance had been bitterly criticized by animal rights activists and when shortly thereafter “Baby Boog” developed an incurable case of sphincter incontinence critics blamed the condition on his ballpark appearance.

The efforts of the Baltimore Zoo to cure Baby Boog’s problem got unwanted attention when visiting cameramen from a local television station recorded an especially gruesome episode of the incontinence while an unfortunate caretaker was attending to Baby Boog. A video feed supplied by the station to the then fledgling Comedy Television Channel became stock footage for years afterward.

It was while watching this infamous video that an executive of the Fruit of the loom company got the inspiration to offer the zoo diapers disguised as briefs. The desperate Zoo accepted the offer and Baby Boog’s new diapers were designed to look just like the company’s white cotton underpants. Sturdy liners prevented any leakage and kept the briefs clean and white.

Subsequently the company used the gift as the basis for an advertising campaign. An ad with a dozen men clad only in the company’s signature product danced a conga while singing the praises of underpants to the Mexican tune “La Cucaracha.” These are the lyrics:

My tighty whities
My tighty whities

The elastic hugs my waist

My tighty whities
My tighty whities
When I wear them I feel chaste

When I go into the locker room
I see every kind of pantaloon
Thongs and boxers I see by the score
Even jockey’s but their just a bore

My tighty whities
My tighty whities

How I love my underwear
My tighty whities
My tighty whities
When you wear them you’re not square

The ad’s final scene ends incongruously with a cartoon Baby Boog clad in underpants winking at the audience. The real Baby Boog was a little too belligerent for a live shot.

Although the ad ran briefly in the Atlantic market the company quickly pulled it due to declining sales figures. Associating Fruit-of-the-Loom with an incontinent rhinoceros proved to be a poor way to promote men’s briefs.

In April of 2005 singer Stan Paki of Bristol , England , was traveling through Atlanta , Georgia , on his way to a Florida vacation when he heard the jingle on the news. An Atlanta station which had aired the ad in a program about TV bloopers was being sued by a Fulton County District Attorney for broadcasting prurient material. The attorney, Wayne Egativ, who also serves as a part-time Southern Baptist preacher, was upset by the nearly naked men in the ad.

Mr. Paki, inspired by the silliness copied down the lyrics and recorded them with some friends when he returned to England . Paki, a Sunni Muslim and three friends, all Shia Muslims, recorded “My Tighty Whities” onto a CD as a novelty song. They called their group the “Little Boogers” in honor of the rhinoceros. When Bristol ’s children began singing the nonsense song the Little Boogers found themselves in hot water with the leaders of two Bristol Mosques. First Shia Imam, Ali bin Sufi declared a fatwa on the group calling them “perverters of youth.” Not to be outdone the mufti of the local Sunni shrine declared a fatwa calling for the stoning of the Little Boogers.

The angry outcry against the “Little Boogers” was apparently aggravated by the group’s name. In English slang a “bugger” is a homosexual. To the ears of the incensed clerics “Little Boogers” sounded like the “little homosexuals.” Coupled with the lyrics of the group’s only hit song it’s not surprising that their music was so provocative.

The British government has forbidden any more airplay for the song My Tighty Whities. Meanwhile government representatives are negotiating with both mosques to have the fatwas against the Little Boogers lifted.

Welty is a small time politician who lets it all hang out at: www.lincolndemocrat.com