By Harry Welty
To be published Aug. 30, 2013

The Devil’s Friend

Reason’s syphilitic step-uncle was busy. Rationalization had been summoned once again by his master to enter the ears of weak-minded men.

The first was a youth who listened intently to Rationalization’s slippery thinking:

She’s a looker, isn’t she? You can tell she’s all decked out to get some guy’s attention. She sure has yours. You are a man. You can’t help evolution. A man’s going to do what a man has to do. Right? Offer her a drink, now another. She’s young and a little naive. Excellent! There’s a lot of sugar in this drink and it’s going down fast and easy. “Here, have another. Have another.” 

I’ll ask her to dance. That’ll get the booze circulating. “Oh honey, you need to get home. You’re not safe to drive. Let me give you a lift, please! I’d feel much better knowing you were safe. You’re a little unsteady—let me walk you up to your room. Oh, geez! My cell is dead. Could I come in and use your phone to explain that I’ll be a little late becuz I helped give a friend a ride home? Thanks. I appreciate that.” 

“No? No? No? Come on! You don’t mean that! We’ve gotten along so well. Such a fuss.”
If she hadn’t wanted me to, she wouldn’t have let me in. That was as consensual as it gets.

Rationalization next flew to the ear of a powerful man: 

Power is a convenient aphrodisiac and women find me so charming. Even if my advances aren’t always returned, women are flattered by my attention. I have huge responsibilities and I need mental health breaks. If they are good for me, they are good for the nation.  

She’s a pretty little thing. Her eyes sure say “yes.” She always walks by my office and peeks in. I have a nice big office. When a man of my stature needs privacy, he gets it. Hey, let’s be honest. This isn’t sex. Sex is only when a person can get pregnant. “My marriage isn’t all that fulfilling.” She seems to like to that line. “After I’m out of office, it will be time for a new start… after I’m out of office.”

“She said what? I’ve never had sex with that woman! It depends on what ‘is’ is. How dare this conspiracy of finger-pointing unsettle the nation with cheap political theatrics.”

Then Rationalization paid a call on a man of God:

I give unbending testimony to the word of God.  I’m full of the Spirit and a blessing to my congregation. 

That pretty young wife in my flock has been moved by my eloquent witness. She shows no concern about speaking to me of God’s word in the privacy of my sanctuary. Such devotion is alluring to God and to me. “Let me…”  She said “no.”… She said “No.” Will she tell anyone that I tried to abuse my mission as a witness for God? This cannot happen.  This is a threat to my ministry and God’s work.  My precious work. I must act to ward off this threat.

“Today’s sermon is about temptation. I was recently tempted, and by a member of our own congregation, a pretty young wife. I resisted her charms. This is a warning to us all.”

It’s tragic that the young woman’s husband took the public revelation of his wife’s debauchery so badly. No one could have expected him to go home and hang himself in mortification. Well, it seems ample proof of his wife’s betrayal. He must have known this in his heart. It was good that I denounced her. Satan has taken an innocent victim, but this is a potent warning to my congregation for them to always be on their guard.

Step-uncle Rat did his work well, as he always has done and always will. He is his master’s friend.

Harry Welty is a local crank who also vents at www.lincolndemocrat.com.